The Challenge To Raise Moral Children

Introduction

All parents dream to have a respectful child.  It is their pride to have such kind of child. However, to raise such kind of a dream child is not easy job, it is a tough one.  To raise such a child is not only to equip him intellectually, materially but morally and spiritually. It could be easier to prepare a child intellectually and materially but not morally and spiritually. A respectful person cannot be gained only through knowledge and wealth but through moral values, spiritual values that he lives.  A person grows up without moral values can never gain respect from other persons. Thus, a challenge of parent is how to raise a moral child.   It is not one time job but it must be a way of live that begins when your little one was born and takes place every single day.

Morality Defined.

Most people would likely agree that they know a good person when they see one, yet there is far less agreement as to what central belief to define morality.  Such difficulty makes it difficult for parents to teach their children what good and bad is. There is no common agreement as to what good and bad is. Such differences happen not only between country to country, but even from one community to another community, even from one person to another person, from one approach/model to other approach/models. Different models have posited different ideas as to what makes up or accounts for morality.

Psychoanalytic models (e.g. Sagan, 1988) focus on how the norms defined by community and society are internalized until they unconsciously influence emotions such as guilt or shame which subsequently influence behavioral expression. According to this model the strength of the superego (conscience) is responsible for whether or not these values are internalized to begin with and if so whether they come to significantly influence the individual.

The behaviorists (e.g. Pelaez-Nogueras & Gewirtz, 1995) focus on only on what can be observed or the actual behavior of the individual as expressing psychological morality, such as sharing, helping cheating, stealing, etc.

Now how do we define morality?  Many authors have defined morality in different ways, according to their own approach or models. However in our discussion, we would like to adopt a simple definition presented by Priddy and supported by the idea of Berkowitz and Grych. Priddy (1999) defined morals as what is considered good and bad behavior within society, providing a guide for individuals to follow. It is what many believe the main underlying and unifying principle that allows for improvement in man and civilization at large. However, these concepts cannot be acquired only when we are already adult but they develop as we develop.  As children we must acquire this concept as we develop. (Berkowitz & Grych, 1998). But how they acquire these concepts, it is a great discussion.

There have been many theories and explanations as to how this process occurs and this have resulted in a great deal of thought and discussion among members of numerous fields including philosophy, theology and more infrequently, psychology. Throughout human history, communities have been concerned with the type of person that a child will ultimately become, whether they will develop into genuinely "good" individuals who benefit society or "bad" individuals, who are detrimental to society. Furthermore, scholars have addressed the topic for over two thousand years and, over the past century; a wealth of data has been amassed concerning the development of morality in children and adolescents. (Berkowitz & Grych, 1998).

Moral Development

The theology and philosophy do not offer a specific theory on the development of morality. They only offer explanation of what morality is but it does not offer an explanation how it is developed.  But psychology does offer an explanation on how morality develops. However, there is undeniably a degree of difficulty involved in trying to be unbiased regarding theories that involve concepts such as good and bad or right and wrong, especially when attempting to come to agreement on universal definitions of such terms. So, long after other fields had begun to delve into the murky waters of researching how morality develops, this highly significant aspect of human life which functions as one of the primary precursors of human interactions and relationships went largely uninvestigated in the field of psychology. The lack of theorists willing to focus on this area prevented theoretical models from being generated until Piaget (1965), included aspects of morality in his theory of development on what is.  In his early work he studied how children play games and abide by or break the rules, along with the reasons they do so. He determined that the concept of right and wrong was a developmental process, with younger children (10 or 11) stricter about keeping exactly to the originally stated rules with no exceptions allowed and older children able to add more abstract rules as the game went on in order to allow the game to remain fair (Piaget, 1965). Younger children considered rules as fixed and absolute. They believe that rules are handed down by adults or by God and that one cannot change them. The older child’s view is more relativistic which means that it is permissible to change the rules if everyone agrees. In their view, rules are not sacred and absolute but relative.

            In line with their moral reasoning, younger children would base their moral  judgment more on consequences while the older children based their moral judgment on intentions. One is trying to follow the rules because if they would not follow, they would be punished, whereas the older children follow the rules based on his personal motives.

 Kohlberg, as a follower of Piaget continue the work of Piaget on the theory of moral development. However, Kohlberg is not copying the theory of Piaget but focused on moral development and has proposed a stage theory of moral thinking which goes well beyond Piaget’s initial formulations. Piaget proposed only two moral development which is children younger than 10 or 11 and children older than 11. Piaget focused on moral reasoning of children younger than 10 or 11 and older children (Crain, 1985).  However Kohlberg went beyond Piaget’s theory. He proposed six stages on moral development which is classified into three levels. In the level I (Pre-conventional morality) Kohlberg proposed two stages which are stage 1 and stage 2 or obedience and punishment orientation and individualism and exchange. Kohlberg’s stage 1 is similar to Piaget’s first stage of moral thought or reasoning that the child assumes that the rules are handed down by powerful authorities and they must follow in order to avoid punishment. At the stage 2 children’s views have been broadened. They found out that there is not just one right view that is handed down by the authorities.  Different individual’s have different viewpoints.  Thus, in their mind, each person is free to pursue his/her individual interest. What is right is what meets his/her own self-interest. The two stages might speak about punishment but they perceive it differently. Stage 1 may think that punishment is a consequence of wrongful act, and prove that disobedience is wrong, while stage 2 punishment is simply a risk that one has to avoid (Kohlberg, 1989).

Under level II (conventional morality), Kohlberg classified two stages which is stage 3 and 4, or good interpersonal relationship and maintaining the social order. Those who are entering their teens believe that people should live up to the expectations of the family and community behaves in good ways. Good behavior means having good motives and interpersonal feelings such as love, empathy, trust and concern for others. And in the stage 3 reasoning, it works best for two person relationships with family members or close friends where one can make a real effort to get to know the other’s feelings and needs and try to help them. However, at the stage four (4), the concern becomes broader, not only close friends or family members but concern with the society as a whole. The intention is not so much for self-interest but the society. They are obeying the rules, respecting authority and performing one’s duty so that social order is maintained (Kohlberg, 1989). 

Higher moral reasoning is discussed in the level III or post conventional morality. The level classifies two stages which is stage 5 and 6 or social contract and individual rights and universal principles.  If at the stage 4 people want to keep society functioning but at the stage 5  people begin to ask “what makes for a good society?” They begin to think about society in a very theoretical way and considering the rights and values that a society ought to uphold. They now start evaluating the existing societies in terms of their prior considerations. Therefore, stage 5 individuals would consider that a good society best conceived as a social contract into which people freely enter to work for the benefit of all. They realize that different society has different values but they believe that all rational people agree on two points: basic rights such as liberty and the life to be protected and second are democratic procedures for changing unfair laws for improving society. Stage 5 individuals would be working toward a conception of good society. These persons would propose to protect individual rights and settle disputes through democratic process. However, settling in a democratic way do not always result in outcomes that are just. Therefore Kohlberg believes that there must be a higher stage which is stage 6. It defines the principles by which we achieve justice. The principle of justice requires us to treat the claims of all parties in an impartial manner, respecting the dignity of all people as individuals. For Kohlberg, we can reach just decision by looking at the situation through one another’s eye (Kohlberg, 1989).      

                   

The Difficulty of How to Teach Children Morality

Many theorists have not provided adequate information on how to raise a child morally. There is no single method being offered on how to raise a moral child. According to Berkowitz (1997), this problem is partly due to the lack of knowledge of cognitive development of a child and what the child is capable of understanding at a certain age which is critical determinants of what aspect of morality the child will be most likely to focus on. For example, the preschooler is just beginning to gain the ability to take another's perspective, learn self-control and engage in pro- social behavior such as sharing whereas adolescence would be more likely to focus on ethical philosophy and moral identity. The instructions and lessons provided by parents at such distinct stages would by necessity have to be completely different.

For these reasons, further inquiry into the area of morality was approached not only from a viewpoint that could be accepted from as many perspectives as possible, but was also placed within a developmental framework. So, the focus in the field turned to identifying the basic building blocks of later moral development, defined as either aspects that led to moral behavior or that were related to what was considered fundamental or universal human morality (Berkowitz, & Grych, 1998).

It could be easier to teach morality if all parents and even teachers if they have learned the theory of Piaget and Kohlberg. I believe nobody is aware of such theory when they are teaching morality to children.  Even Kohlberg and Piaget themselves did not propose on how to teach morality. However, despite of lack of instructions or methods related to the way how to teach morality, the matter should not leave blank. Using the basic understanding in the concepts given by Piaget and Kohlberg, we can propose methods that we can use to teach morality.    

There are several ways suggested on how to teach morality to children. These ways are not necessarily the only ways to teach morality to children. Each parent may have different methods of they teach their children morality.  Several authors have recommended the following method.

Induction

Lamb and Feeny (1995) proposed that one way to teach children morality is to explain their behavior why they are engaging in a certain behavior. This is what we call induction method. If the parents want their children to adopt certain behavior, then it has to be explained to their children why they are engaging in such behavior. They have to be explained why such behavior is good or bad, right or wrong. Through this method, parents form the conscience and moral reasoning of their children.      

Walker & Taylor (1991) proposed that one primary area to employ induction is when employing discipline. When the child misbehaves, this is an ideal opportunity to explain right and wrong, why the child's behavior was wrong, the effects on others, and discuss what would be more appropriate. Parents need to be careful however, to make sure they are adjusting their vocabulary and depth of discussion to the appropriate level depending on the developmental level of the child.

 

Employing Punishment and Warning

Employing the theory of Piaget and Kohlberg on the stages of moral reasoning development, a parent can employ punishment to their child when their child is committing something wrong. Immediate punishment after the act is committed will teach the child to know that what he has done is wrong. Such punishment will be recorded in the mind of the child and remind him not to do the same thing again in the future. Punishment may not be physical but some form of punishment that is accepted for a child is necessary. Wrong doing may not go unpunished. If not punishment, at least after an act had been committed, a parent should remind the child not to repeat such act and explain why so.         

 

Reinforcement of Good Behavior through Reward

 Punishment may not be applicable to all people at different level. Reinforcing good behavior can also be done through rewards. Parents should be observant to the behavior of their child and once they observe that their child is doing well, the child should be given recognition or rewards. Parents may choose the kind of rewards appropriate to the child. The rewards will reinforce such good behavior in the future and serve always as a reminder to the child that doing good is rewarding. However, such rewards should be accompanied by explanation why she/he is rewarded. Explaining the reason why he/she is rewarded will help the child to understand the reason why he/she is rewarded.   

 

Teaching by Example  

In line with the theory of Kohlberg on stage 3 and 4 which is good interpersonal relationship and maintaining social order, the writer recommend teaching by example. At this level, when they are entering teens, punishment and rewarding may not be working. Modeling may be working.  

It could be hard for parents to teach children morality to their children if they themselves seldom behave morally. Example, parents want their children to be honest while they themselves are not honest to each other. Children would not be convinced to follow their instruction. Besides that, teaching by example can also be shown through the way how they treat their children. However, teaching by example goes beyond how we treat our children. It has to do with how we treat and talk about others outside the family -- relatives, friends, and strangers. It has to do with how we lead our lives. (Lickona, 1983). This is what we call modeling. Children also closely watch how parents treat each and other family members and individuals they interact with through which they learn how to treat people. While parents may teach respect and compassion through how they act around others especially during disagreements they can just as easily model disrespect, coercion, and belittling others. This can be harmful to the child's moral development as they internalize these actions and use them when in similar situations until they become habit (Grych and Fincham 1993).

 

Helping Children Identify their Emotion

Helping children identify their emotions may go well with the theory of Kohlberg along “maintaining good interpersonal relationship”.  Parents should help their children to identify their emotion.  According to Gaynor (2010) as cited from Neifert, a child who understands his own feelings will be able to identify emotions in others, which helps develop empathy. According Neifert, morals and ethics are really all about having empathy for others and making choices that are good for others. With a toddler or young child, describe the emotions you see him expressing, such as, “I know you’re sad that we have to leave the park right now.” This will help him learn the words he needs to describe feelings later on. When discussing moral transgressions, use the same words, such as, “papa feels sad when you don’t share your toys with her.”

 

Be a Nurturing Parent

According to Gaynor (2010) as cited from Neifert, infants who are cuddled, loved and cared for are more likely to demonstrate caring behavior when they get older. Conversely, toddlers who are abused will be more apt to hit or bite their playmates. According to Berkowitz, preschoolers with secure attachments to caregivers get along better with peers than children with insecure attachments

The Challenge for Parents

The methods that we just discussed are methods we hope to apply. However, the challenges are not only coming from parents themselves but also social environment where children are living and media. The challenge that parents have to face is their time for their children. They can teach those method mentioned above assuming that they have time to be with their children. The challenge from the social environment is with whom our children associate with or are in contact with. Many things are learned not only from their parents but also from other people with whom they associate with. Besides, media has been a great influence on the values of children. They watch TV which shows not only good things but also bad things. Much of their times are in front of the TV. Whatever they saw in tv are either good or bad influence to the formation of their values.         

Conclusion

Raising children morally is not simple after all.  The time when to start teaching them about good and bad may not be even clear to parents. Not all parents have learned the theory of Kohlberg and Piaget. However, it could not be used as reasons for not teaching children to behave morally or to live moral values. Parents need to teach their children the moral values that are important to grow as a whole person. Thus ignorance cannot be used for parents to neglect their duties to guide and educate their children morally. Thus, it is important for parents still to know the moral development level of their children so that they know when and how to teach morality to their children.   

References

Berkowitz, M.W., & Grych, J.H. (1998). Fostering Goodness: Teaching Parents to Facilitate Children's Moral Development. Journal of Moral Education, Volume 27, No. 3, pp. 371-391.

Crain, W.C. 1985. Theories of Development. New York: Prentice-Hall

Gaynor, Alison. 2010. How to Teach Children Moral and Ethics. http://www.livestrong.com/article/173529-how-to-teach-children-morals-ethics/#ixzz1OOLrNQNI

Grych, J.H., & Fincham, F.D. (1993). Children's appraisals of marital conflict: Initial investigations of the cognitive-contextual framework. Child Development.

Lamb, S., & Feeny, N.C. (1995). Early moral sense and socialization. In W.M. Kurtines & J.L Gewirtz (Eds.), Moral development: An introduction (pp. 497-510). Boston: Allyn & Bacon.

Lickona, T. (1983). Raising good children. New York: Bantam Books.

Piaget, J. (1965). The moral judgment of the child. The Free Press: New York. Power, F. C., Higgins, A., & Kohlberg, L. (1989). "Lawrence Kohlberg's Approach to Moral Education." New York: Columbia University Press.

Pelaez-Nogueras, M., & Gewirtz, J.L. (1995). The learning of moral behavior: A behavior-analytic approach. In W.M. Kurtines & J.L Gewirtz (Eds.), Moral development: An introduction (pp.173-200). Boston: Allyn & Bacon.

Sagan, E. (1988). Freud, women, and morality: The psychology of good and evil. New York: Basic Books