Elma Ocampo Gabriel
Divine Word College of
Laoag
Laoag City, Ilocos
Norte
“People
do not get married planning to divorce. Divorce is a result of a lack of
preparation for marriage and the failure to learn the skills of working
together as teammates in an intimate relationship.”
~
Gary Chapman
Abstract
Divorce
is either or neither be moral or immoral. It is a reality that marriage is not
always a bed of roses. Keeping the marriage is not easy and when conflicts
arise, the couple should exert an effort to learn how to fix the troubled
marriage.
According
to the Bible, God does not favor divorce except for the cause of infidelity and
abuse. He did not make man and woman be united and then separated if they got
into some problems.
Marriages
fail because people fail to mend what made the relationship broken and end up
in divorce. Evidence found by social scientists from all over the world that
divorce law contributed to the epidemic increase of divorce cases and its worst
victims are the children who seem to bear the heaviest burden from their
parents’ divorce.
While
divorce may be the right solution to an unhappy marriage that cannot be fixed, it
is important to remember that married couples must think that marital problems
have always solutions if they are willing to protect the sanctity of their
marriage.
Keywords:
Divorce, marriage, legal separation, morality, the sanctity of marriage
Introduction
“What God has
joined together, let no one separate” this quote refers to Jesus' teaching on
marriage and divorce found in Mark 10:1-12 and Matthew 19:1-12. Marriage originated
with God and if He has united a man and a woman in a marriage, the union is
meant to be for life. Consequently, it is God not man has the right to break
that union. This holds despite the faith of a married couple. When two
nonbelievers marry, their marriage has been united by God whether they
recognize it or not. This simply implies that Divorce is never God's plan, it
was created as a convenient way out of a self-imposed problem, and due to
failure to learn how to fix a problematic marriage.
The Philippines is the only Christian country in the world besides the Vatican City where divorce is not legal. The indissolubility of marriage is stated in the Constitution and strongly advocated by the Catholic Church, to which the majority of Filipino are Catholic.
The Family Code of 1987 Article XV, Section 2 states that “Marriage, as an inviolable social institution, is the foundation of the family and shall be protected by the State”. The Philippine Constitution is the only one in the world that guarantees the protection of the institution of marriage as a lasting and permanent union. Exemption to the rule is Filipinos who are married to foreigners and seek a divorce in another country and for Muslim Filipino who are governed by different marriage laws.
The Government's fundamental law and the strong opposition of the Church are the two main reasons why the Philippines is the only country in the world aside from the Vatican where divorce is not allowed. The only options for separation are Legal Separation, Annulment, and the Declaration of Nullity.
Despite many couples still hold to religious views about marriage and divorce regardless of culture and religion around the world, a rising segment of the population is becoming more receptive to the idea of divorce. What contributed to this growing liberal attitude towards the acceptance of divorce? Is the present generation becoming unethical in their decision-making on matters of marriage? Therefore, the paper finds the topic of divorce and morality extremely important since it will help to know the moral considerations of marriage and divorce. The findings of this paper will help us deepen our understanding of the causes of divorce and its implications to the children, society, and even to one's partner.
Preparing Oneself to Marriage
The decision to get married is one of the most significant decisions and will greatly impact one’s life than almost any decision a person will make in his life. Luistro (2015) states that couples must know, before marriage, the requirements to get married like consent, validity, and the dispositions of those entering into marriage. They must primarily focus on the sacredness of marriage. Unity and the indissolubility of marriage are necessary for the pact of love to last. They must know that marriage is a life-long commitment of mutual, exclusive, total, irrevocable, and sincere self-giving and sacrifice. It is entered into with open eyes, a lot of reflection and logical thinking, maturity, and a lot of preparation knowing the other person extremely well and knowing that the union is not just based on mere passion or convenience. In other words, those contemplating marriage must make a sincere and diligent effort to know and understand the future partner's character and background including that of his/her family. Marriage fulfills natural law. It is not just a piece of paper signed in a ceremony. It is a promise, a vow, and there is a purpose to this vow. The vow keeps the groom and his bride together for life in an unbreakable bond of love, respect, trust, and safety needed to safeguard a very clear outcome of the union – a home, a family, children. Every baby deserves a family and every child has the right to have both a father and a mother together.
Causes of the Rise of
Divorce
Most research concerning divorce
and separation comes from the United States where divorce has greatly increased
in proportions. The creation of divorce law that allows the dissolution of the
permanent bind of marriage has harmed the children who seemed to bear the
heaviest burden from their parents’ divorce. Children from broken
homes are significantly more likely to divorce as adults, to experience marital
problems, to suffer from mental illness and delinquency, to drop out of high
school, to have poor relationships with one or both parents, and to have
difficulty committing to a relationship. Furthermore, in most respects,
remarriage is no help to children of divorced families. Children who grow up in
stepfamilies experience about the same levels of educational failure, teenage
pregnancy, and criminal activity as children who remain in a single-parent
family after a divorce.
Over 40 years (1960-2000), the
divorce rate more than doubled in the United States, from about 20 percent to
about 45 percent of all first marriages. Between the mid-eighties and 2002, 46
research articles appeared mostly dealing with the causes of separation and
divorce and only very few with the repercussions and treatment approaches. The
data suggest that about two-thirds of all divorces involved low-conflict
marriages and domestic violence or
emotional abuse was not a factor in the breakup of the union.
Goldstein (1999) noted that
divorce rates show a leveling off mainly because there is now considerable cohabitation
that is, living together without marriage. The increase in union dissolution
has been associated with the parallel increase in the proportion of partners
living together without marrying.
Without
using religious arguments and regardless of religious affiliation, divorce law
can lead to social and economic problems, as can be gleaned from the
experiences of other countries where divorce is legal. The
following are some causes as to why divorce occurs:
Too Early or Arranged Marriages. The most
married couple who ended up getting divorced got married in their early 20s and
cut their ties with their spouses in their early 30s. For some, their spouse
was their first serious relationship and taught that that entering marriage
will work in a lifetime. Others just want it to get out of their house and to
enjoy their independence away from their parents' supervision.
Arranged marriages had a risk of
divorce which was about 2.5 times as high as the non-arranged marriage. It was
also noted that divorces were higher in urban than in rural areas. Other things
being equal, women with more children had a lower risk of divorce.
Son-preference exerted an effect on marriage dissolution. Women with no son had
a significantly higher risk of divorce than those with at least one son.
The Lack of Preparation for Marriage.
Most couples rush into marriage with little preparation or for the wrong
reasons. Engaged couple gives far more attention in preparing for the wedding
plans rather than preparing for married life. Oftentimes, a couple makes a
hasty decision to get married without giving a great deal of thought about the
person they will be living with for the rest of their lives. A marriage that
was built on a weak foundation without commitment is not to love at all. That feeling of being in love is not
sufficient ground for building a successful marriage
Women's Independence. Over the
years, women who are highly educated have gained independence due to the
improved economic status that is most likely to provide them with financial
independence. This sense of women's
independence enables women to support themselves and their children without the
need to relying on financial support from their spouses. Ruggles (1997) found
the rise of female employment in non-farm-type occupations was closely
associated with the growth of divorce and separation.
An interesting phenomenon over
recent years is that women file for divorce more often now than men, despite
deep attachments to their children who they know are being harmed by such
divorces. Many women in retrospect report the fact that they are happier being
single than when they were married (Brinig & Allen, 2000). Many women also
file for divorce to have sole custody of the children. Sayer and Bianchi (2000)
explored whether a wife's economic independence destabilized marriage and
heightened the risk of divorce.
Economic and Financial Factors. There are
some circumstances when divorce is obtained to fraudulently exploit tax
advantages or to get government benefits. An example of this is when a couple
divorces because it will allow one of them to claim a tax credit or receive
financial aid from the government for their children yet the couple is not
separated.
An international study of
regional differences in divorce rates was carried out by Lester (1999). The
author explored social correlates of regional divorce rates for seven nations:
Finland, France, Hungary, Japan, Switzerland, Taiwan, and the USA, finding
little consistency. The most consistent social correlates were found to be
unemployment and, to a lesser extent, population size, homicide rates,
percentage of elderly people, birth rates, death rates, and crime rates.
Liberal Divorce Laws or the Ease
of Obtaining Divorces. Most countries where divorce is
legal have now gone a step further down by accepting what is called a
"no-fault divorce". This means that couples do not need a valid or compelling
reason to separate; only a simple agreement to end the marriage is enough. This
paves the way for flimsy excuses (or none) to be legal grounds for ending a
marriage. The petitioner for divorce could cite "irreconcilable
differences" without having to validate what he or she means.
Failure to Learn How to Fix
Troubled Marriages. Anyone who believes in divorce
should not think of entering into marriage. In many instances, people marry before acquiring the skills necessary to
keep married. A couple who mutually thinks that divorce is one of
their way out when their marriage fails can eventually end up in divorce.
Selfishness. One of the common
causes of a married couple who suddenly consider divorce is selfishness. In a
relationship, it is not only you that matters all the time. Couples need to be
aware of the expectations they are bringing into the marriage not in a selfish
way that disregards their partner but, in a way, to make allowances to
understand the changes and adjustments through the years.
Things to be done to Fix Troubled
Marriage
Although the percentage of failed marriage or divorce is growing, there are still couples who went through a lot of challenges in their marriage but were able to learn to fix a troubled marriage and still end up together. Below are some of the ways on how to fix troubled marriage:
Choose your marriage over the divorce. Marriage is a commitment not only to the couples but also to God who created it. It is a divine union between a man and a woman willing to sacrifice and to love each other for better or for worse. If a couple wants to get married but they mutually think that divorce is one of their options if their marriage fails, that couple should not think of entering into a marriage in the first place and their children will also be spared from a broken family.
Take responsibility for your actions. Recognize issues in your marriage that
usually end up in arguments. Sit down and be honest, accept mistakes, and agree
to compromise to solve the issues to make the marriage lasts.
Listen more and talk less. While
your spouse is explaining their point of view, just listen. Do not interrupt.
Your spouse will be encouraged to talk about his feelings because your spouse
knows that you are listening. Constant communication will bridge the gap of
misunderstanding and also makes you closer to each other.
Spend quality time together.
Always find ways to spend time together even if there are children, work, and
other matters to attend to.
Consider Marriage Counselling. If you cannot stand with your partner, consider counseling. Many couples were able to obtain wonderful results by seeking help from marriage counseling experts
Conclusion
Morals are different depending on the beliefs and culture of an area. As always, the answer depends on the circumstances. Divorce is the dissolution of the union of two people who vowed to spend the remaining of their lives together. If the relationship is due to sexual infidelity or physical and mental abuse then divorce is morally permissible. Certainly, a person who is in an abusive marriage should get out of it, and seeking a divorce in that situation is not an issue of morality. The immorality of divorce is the lack of attempting to repair what was damaged, without actually addressing the underlying issues and not taking steps to resolve them. Just because you are tired or feel trapped in an unsatisfactory marriage will not be a sufficient ground for divorce.
Yet, as a Christian, I would still
consider any behavior that is outside of God's approval as immoral. Getting into
marriage relates to the older generation's sayings that "Marriage is not
like a hot food that when you get burn, you spit it out." This refers to
the sanctity of one's commitment to marriage. To remain true to one's word, it
is important to remember that keeping the marriage is not easy, but you have to
do whatever it takes to make it work not only to fix the troubled relationship
but by being honest with yourself, fix whatever needs to be mended while
working on repairing and avoiding harm to our children, society and our
spouse. Divorce should only be taken as
the right and final option in extreme circumstances, other reasons aside from
this will just mean a convenient way out to face responsibility.
References
Abalos,
J.B. (2014). Trends and determinants of age at the union of men and women in
the Philippines. Journal of Family Issues 35(12): 1624‒1641.
ReplyDeleteNumerous people consider marriage separation at one point or another in their marriages.
Divorce with children